Find my direction magnetically

There have been many songs that have helped me through this last month, many songs that have aligned with my thoughts, but this one I think so far is the best...it's the feeling of the music, the hope in the words and sunshine in the guitar strings- have a listen, but first let me paint you a picture of my last couple days.

The last six days were in my happy place, a place I've been vacationing for over 25 years, Sunriver, Oregon, easily the most nostalgic place in existence to me.  Such happy memories flooded my mind as we played and as introduced Derik to my favorite vacation spot. We spent the days with my amazing family biking, swimming, floating the river, fishing, and just sitting on our deck, watching and listening as the whispering willows danced in the breeze and the Sun set over Mt. Bachelor. It was divine and exactly what I needed!

One of my favorite moments from my vacation, it was early evening, the sun rays were still warm, shining bright and embracing. Derik and I were headed to our "lucky" fishing hole (well lucky for him), riding our bikes on our 3 miles trek to our spot. Our ride inflicted a warm breeze that twirled my hair that was pinned back in a bandana, as we listened to this song...this song I'd heard just a couple days for the first time...but this time it swallowed my heart fully, and put such a content and rejuvenating smile on my face. It fit my present moment more than any song I'd heard in a long time.

Here is the song- listen if you can: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpmGOhys1wQ

If not here are the lyrics so you can get the idea:

"Rise"
Eddie Vedder
"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow?
Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold...

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold
Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole "

 

 

 

There's something I continue to come back to...sunshine, rise up, creating your own sunshine....

 

As we drove home I was laying back and watching clouds slowly drift through the sunroof and was thinking how fast that vacation went...actually how fast life goes...In that moment I thought, I want my life to be nostalgic...all of it. I want to spend more time in the sunny moments and less time in the stressful, heavy hearted, sad moments.

 

Yes, there will always be something to bring us down...something to hurt us, make us sad, even angry...but what else?? The what else is what I'm banking on! Look around...where are your sunny moments, who are they with, what are you doing?

TIME TO DO THAT MORE!

 

XOXO thanks for reading, I have to say this is fun, therapeutic and extremely enjoyable for me. I do  hope you find some entertainment value :)

Here goes nothin'

I thought I was supposed to be fighting, fighting for happiness, fighting for what my future brings, fighting to not hurt anymore...I even belted that song out in the car the other day "This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove that I'm alright song, My power's turned on"...

But the thing I realized at 2am, waking up from yet another bad dream this morning...who am I fighting? Everyone else is trying to move on and make changes. I am fighting letting go. And I am fighting myself. I've been fighting allowing myself to take the next step. It's time to stop fighting altogether and just simply move on. 

I realized I have been putting myself through a little bit of Hell and today it stops. I hope this works and it sticks. I may try to lean back in and question...but I am the only one that can stop this cycle.

Sometimes you don't get closure, or maybe you don't get closure yet. This most recent situation actually brought me closure on my last painful life change. So now, without closure on my job with BGC I am choosing to move on. Maybe one day I will understand a little more, or maybe my future is waiting for me to be okay with not having closure and just embracing the amazing things that are in store!

Today I am choosing to stop questioning, quit looking for answers (that aren't there), stop searching for things I may have missed, or what more I could have done, who didn't call me and apologize, or even how could this happen to me...

TODAY I close the door to the past (and every last painful question, memory, thought), open the door to the future (here goes nothin'), take a deep breath and step through and start a new chapter in my life (this is where the excitement and joy is just beginning).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

1...2...3...

I just let go!

Confidence, Determination, Strength, Faith

I was browsing all of the job sites yesterday... some jobs look interesting... some look terrible, then I ran into this one and it was like the job that I could have hand written and said that, that is what I want to be doing. It took all of my favorite elements from my past two positions and mashed them together. It was late so I agreed that I would finish it and submit in the am, but I couldn't stop thinking about how cool it might be.

This morning I was looking it over again at the gym while I was stretching and I saw something I clearly missed the day before...15 years of exec experience right under the 8 years of management experience. I've been working for going on 9 years and managing for about 8...but 15..CRAP, crap, crap in a handbag! I laughed it off and continued my workout.

In that time I realized something had happened. I let a minor oversight take my confidence. All the sudden I wasn't good enough for anything. Although...I wasn't the one who realized it. Derik picked up on it right away though (thank God). Through my tearful explanation he realized that my confidence was shot. Enter pep talk and a little tough love....thank you baby!

This pep talk inspired me to write my focus of the day >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Confidence, Determination, Strength, Faith...I can do this!

What if I still applied...what's the worst that could happen? Oh yea I don't get called...that's not too bad at all. However, what if they did..what if I got an interview...I know how to work with people, and I actually enjoy interviewing, what if they wanted to take a chance?

Cover letter time...time to kill it!!

I know how to do this. I played sports, I know that confidence in yourself is over half of the battle. I remember thinking and even telling my dad I can't do it...I can't play basketball, these girls are bigger than me, they are just going to stuff me...one of my favorite lessons I learned from dad was visualization. You can literally picture your success. You can think out scenarios and how you will succeed in these times using your strengths.  I thought that it only applied to sports, but today I realized that it's so much more.

I am confident, I am determined, I am strong, I am faithful! I can visualize what my success looks like, I just need to set my mind to it & be my #1 fan!

Go on your way lightheartedly

It's funny (maybe not funny haha...like ironic funny), when you feel like the World around you is shattering, shaking, unstable ground, and that path that you were skipping along...it looks more like a cliff with a sketchy ass bridge you have to cross...that's when you end up learning the most...the most about you, about life and about picking yourself back up.

I'm sure trying. I have faith, I have hope (lots) and I have the mentality that I can do great in this World, and I will. Some moments you just have to dig deep.

We just went on vacation, and boy did I relax...I played, laughed, I wake boarded better than ever before. Vacations are awesome, you get to leave your daily routine, all your chores, your stressors, and do really fun things with people you love.

Problem is...that stuff,  it's still there when you get back. Although this time it was so different for me. I'd never gone on a vacation and not had a job waiting to go back to. I was driving back early Sunday morning and it all the sudden hit me...

You know when something awful happens and you just temporarily block it out, or you know that you've thought it to death, time for a mental break. It was like finding out all over again.

It hurt. I was really mad and almost in shock all over again... how could they do this to me? I'm a good person...I don't deserve this...

I felt tears running down my cheeks.

It only lasted 10 minutes...it's getting shorter and further in between, my moments of grieving that is.

The thing that brought me back- how far God has brought me in just two short weeks. I am more than surviving...I actually think I might be thriving. My inner voice {Time to go on your way lightheartedly}- because I've set myself up for this...with His help entirely.

I've been granted this rare opportunity to spend a couple weeks finding that inner peace, asking myself what I want to be doing. I get to relearn who I am and spend time setting new boundaries for my life...I get to reset!

Every day it seems a little easier, different bright spots to focus on. And you better believe it, I am getting over that sketchy ass bridge one way or another! I am just trying really hard not to skip over this opportunity to learn about myself...myself when I hurt and then really feel it as I get back up.

More Than Enough!

This week has been a little tougher than I think I'd like to admit. Monday I fought it and had the lovely company of my mom and then yesterday I found that ball in my throat, that one you can't swallow...you just wait until the right moment hits and somehow you release things you've stored up for a bit.

All morning long I went through the motions, going through my new routines I've started building (well kinda) and thinking I felt just a tad off. I knew I didn't want to be by myself, so luckily I had made plans to visit my college roomie and her sweet little ones. I drove out to Gig Harbor and was listening to a mixed CD I had made a couple years ago...then the tears began. The second you realize whatever it is the lyrics are saying...that, that right there is what I am feeling. I felt like they may never stop.

The hurt, the heartache, the anger, that feeling like my purpose was stolen...all of it came rushing back. I was mad...I thought I had already gotten through this phase. Like I was wise and so optimistic that I had changed the direction of my thoughts. Sadly, I found  myself still grieving, wondering how long this mood would last.

Then I walked into Vinnie's house to be greeted by a comforting embrace and two little ones ready to play. SNAP there went the mood. I still felt weepy, but for a different reason. I am loved, there is no doubt about it. It was time to remember that there is always a purpose in life. Every second we can choose to do something to make it better, make someone's day better and I wasn't going to let another second go by.

I spent the afternoon jumping on the bed, tickling little Nat and Miles and letting their sweet belly laughs warm my soul. We ran through the sprinkler, ate and amazing lunch Vinnie made, took naps and drank iced tea.



Things work out if you let them. There is a time to process things, but then if you allow, God puts people in your lives that know exactly what you need in those rough moments. I needed to just be a kid. I needed to know that they were so happy I was there. That I was enough, that I am enough.



I've been reading quotes and verses a lot the last couple weeks and this one resonated more than all of them this week:

I am Enough
I am full of sparkle & compassion.
I genuinely want to make the World a better place.
I love hard. I practice kindness.
I am not afraid of the truth.
I am loyal, adventurous, supportive & surprising,
I am a woman. I am enough.
I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them.
Sometimes I make a lot of mistakes.
-Molly Mahar

As I sit here today on July 1st...I can look back and smile. I know my journey is just getting started. I've found out a lot about myself in the last couple weeks. I've found a new love and desire to be by myself, allow myself to reflect and allow God to work in me. I cherish and long for my companionship with my babe, family and friends, but this is a big step for me. To be okay by myself. Because if I can't be enough for myself, I can't be enough...but I know I am!