The path to Ruby Lane

Written on 11/11/16

This morning I was laying in my meditative yoga class...(and yes it was as amazing as it sounds!)... and our instructor was reading thoughtful, little passages. Although all of them made me tear up, one in particular made me feel with everything. 

The message was simple....Gratitude....there is so much in this world going on, going crazy, but what are you grateful for today, big or small?

As soon as I heard those words I could no longer listen, but my own heart swept away all thoughts. For a split second I was saddened....had I forgotten this past week all of the amazing things in my life that I have to be grateful for? I know that I hadn't...I gave myself some grace and just began to silently count my blessings and all of the things that I feel blessed about.

The tears were rolling down my cheeks, a smile covered my entire face...the music swept me away, far away from any news, facebook feeds, opinions, and in this space I just wanted to stay...

Go to that place...what are you grateful for today? I know that we have so many Veteran's to thank and be grateful for!! What else?

Here's how my list went:

• I am grateful for my husband, that loves me so fiercely and would do anything for me, who always takes me into consideration and protects me and my heart
• I'm grateful that I woke up this morning, safe, content and protected
• I'm grateful for a God who loves me no matter how many times I stumble
• I am grateful for my tribe...my village... my family and friends, who I can call on whenever I need to...who love me, share my pain when I'm hurting and share my happiness when I'm full of joy
• I'm grateful for my job...provides for us and allows me to feel a challenge, successful and accomplished
• My last thing that I am immensely grateful for...this thing that we've kept so sacred...not because we didn't want to scream it from the rooftops...but because Derik and I know that we haven't loved something so much...that we would do anything for...and anything to protect...I am so grateful for this tiny, little angel that is growing inside of me. What a little miracle it is, to be able to bring life into this world. A world that can sometimes be scary and unsettling, but a world that is so full of beauty and love. Baby Marshall, your  mom and dad can't wait to meet you and show you how wonderful this world can be...that moment I rubbed my growing belly and knew today is when I wanted to share this with you

Teeny tiny poppy seed

Written on 8/21/16

How do I even put into words how amazing, crazy, basically a whirlwind this week ended up being....

We just started settling back into our routines being back from Hawaii, and of course being married (7.16.16 D+N).

Last weekend I started feeling a little off, but honestly just thought a period from hell was about to unleash... Tuesday I was two days late....Tuesday was our one month anniversary.

I had some symptoms that I won't get into...but I refused to get my hopes up. So I told Derik I wouldn't take any tests until I was actually late.

Enter Tuesday, 8/16/16 Our one month anniversary...of course I didn't have to pee when I got home hahaha. Derik just kept saying come on...do you have to pee yet?!? Okay okay...here goes nothing...

Holy crap...there is one line and a very faint second line. Why is it so faint...it just leaves so much room for doubt. We ran to the store and bought 4 more tests (different brands) one was digital that just says yes or no.

That 3 minute wait...that feels like time stands still. I said "babe, you look".

Ummmmm yep...we are pregnant.

We looked at each other in disbelief that we had already started the creation of a little human...our baby....

That night I went to bed so happy, so at peace, so full of joy...wanting to dream about what our baby would look like, sound like.

Then the next morning I was a little crazy...I wanted to see a darker line just to know it was real. This whole process is quite the mind Fuck excuse my french. We had 3 more tests I might as well pee on them all...CRAZY lady alert.

The first one was also digital, some how I messed it up and got an error....who can't pee on a stick right. Okay 2 more trys. Clear Blue... we are not friends and I will never recommend you to anyone. Two tests that I couldn't see the second line...maybe a faint shadow...but all my doubts were back. Thank goodness I got into the dr. That afternoon...they gave me the blood test and assured me that we were in fact pregnant!!!

A Road I've Never Been Down Before

Yesterday I left the house on foot, with no plan, no plan except to take a picture of the beautiful, sunny day! There aren't many times I've done this in my 31 years. Maybe in the car, when I've just driven around to waste time, or to see a neighborhood I hadn't before. I of course have my little walking/running routes around Manette that I frequent, but it was funny I didn't really want to stick to any of those.

As I walked towards the water I got to see the US Stennis coming into Bremerton, I ran down a new road to get a better look, and picture of course. I was on a street I hadn't been down before, so then I went down that road further and found an amazing view. I continued walking down this new direction.

As I walked I had this thought...

How is it that in some moments its actually easy, peaceful, settling and fun to not know the exact path you are going, not knowing your ending, exactly what you will see and what you will do. I had the control of choosing what road or path I might take when I came to a turn or the end of one road, but who knew where it would lead.

But in our lives we can't rest in the unknown.

The last five months I've been off I had a really hard time enjoying every bit of my journey, because I didn't have an end point. I didn't know when it would get better...

Don't get me wrong in these five months I was able to do some things I would have never been able to do if I was working. I spent quality time with people I love so dearly, got to volunteer, make a home cooked dinner almost every night, be there for friends when they needed someone, be a reliable errand runner and chauffer for family, workout almost every day when I wanted, and spend some time alone, and I learned to love and appreciate it.

My unemployed journey is coming to an end!!!!  Holy cow if I had known that on November 5th, that I would accept a job that I wanted...September and October may have been a lot easier. But, if we know something, then we don't have to practice faith, hope, trust, and discipline.

It's hard to fully put my emotions into words when I received that call. I was so excited, I was relieved, I was proud, I was just in shock and as soon I talked to Derik I cried...tears wouldn't stop.

 I am ecstatic for this next journey! I start with Kitsap County on November 30 as the Education and Outreach Technician for the Community Development Department. I am also a little scared. I'm the new kid on the block again. I don't know anything about Community Development. But what I've learned in the last five months I think has prepped me for it just fine...I've learned-

Have patience- something will work out, but it's not going to always be in your time frame.

Know that there are worse things in life than losing a job etc.- I received constant reminders that I was never in a desperate situation. I had my health, a roof over my head and amazing people around  supporting me every step of the way.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket- I thought getting a job would be a cure all. It was a weight lifted off, but life is still going to happen. Appreciate the successes and ramp up for life to continue giving you challenges, but oh so much beauty in between.

You CAN control your attitude- Don't lie to yourself, and allow yourself to be what you need to be in grieving moments, but every  day you can wake up and dictate your day. Put on that armor and pick yourself up. Despite rough patches, make sure you remind yourself of the positives you have in your life and focus energy towards that.

Change is truly the only constant thing in the world- be ready for it and go with it. Beautiful things come from those things we cannot predict.

Sometimes the things you are most afraid to do can bring you a great amount of peace. It's okay to fear things...but do it any way.

Take a path that you don't know the end to, it's called life folks. It's gonna be okay...in fact it's gonna be better than okay, it's gonna be pretty darn amazing.

More Sun on the Horizon

Not really sure why I have been writing less...gradually I am having less and less to process maybe?

Still every now and then a conversation will spur a memory, a thought will magically appear. It still causes pain. I think over and over I get these mini reminders that I cannot fully wrap my head around it...it just doesn't fully make sense. There aren't any new thoughts though and that's when I realized that I have to get a thought and let it go. There is NO more to solve. It's over!

I was afraid all of my pride & confidence was gone there for a while, then a couple job interviews and potential opportunities later, it had managed to find it's way back to me (and that's not without constant reminders from my loved ones).  I've been a little picky, I just want it to be right. I do think the right job is out there waiting for me...it's that fun in between time, where I sit wondering has it been within the 40+ jobs I've already applied for, or is it one I haven't even seen yet.

Some days I obsess...what am I supposed to do, who will I be, am I good enough, WHERE will it be? Then in those moments where I can let go of the control again (notice how many times this little, powerful word has come up in the blog?!? LOL) and sit back and just get excited...and think that whatever it is, it's just around the corner.

Enjoy this time- that little voice says (oh wait that was Derik, who doesn't fully understand why I am incapable of sitting and watching TV all day). Every day I am trying to enjoy this time. Every day I am trying to do something I wouldn't normally do (given that I was working full-time). Make the most of this--do it for you!

Every day brings little miracles, reminders that all is okay because it could be so much worse. I've become a more humble, more balanced, more grateful, more compassionate and more forgiving. I'm still as optimistic as ever, this situation has just made me rely heavily of my positivity and search every day for my own sunshine!

RQs

I was thinking today about what my strengths and gifts are...and let me tell you there are  a lot hahah just kidding. The one that I think really makes me the most successful in life and with people is my golden tinted glasses that I see this world and the people in it through. I can thank my mom for the example and then God for the gift :)

When I meet and work with people, regardless if I am friends with them or that I really don't care to be, I can find or have already noticed something admirable about them. We started calling these RQs this spring thanks to a dear friend...Redeemable Qualities!

I've found that it's much easier to name a redeemable quality than it is to judge someone. Every now and then someone will say something negative about someone-even if I don't like them- I will catch myself saying something like "but they are...." or "at least they do..." I dunno, maybe in some cases it's making excuses for people that are evil, but I look at it as I am choosing to see them in their best possible light.

Now don't get me wrong, there is always that saying that your greatest strength can also be looked at as your biggest weakness...yea maybe. Maybe it's caused me a little pain when a real rotten apple continues to hurt me, even though they have some hidden RQs, but I really wouldn't change it. I think people can tell when you truly appreciate them and what they bring to this world...especially when you can acknowledge it. I actually kind of love it, when I can tell I've made someone's day a little better...it's simple.

Now if you think of people in your life, whether close or not, can you really not think about something you like, appreciate or even adore about them, what they do or how they treat people?

Try it...it works and I promise it helps with positivity, optimism and even a little happiness.

My Ode to you my love, on your birthday

I fell in love with you through music, the words and feelings we didn't yet know how to express were so eloquently captured and poured into our ears and hearts. This I think sums it up for me, you played me Jack Johnson Angel and these lyrics will forever be in my heart- and in that moment I knew that you understood me.

"Your so busy changing the world
Just one smile you can change all of mine
We share the same soul"

Today, I so happy how far you and I have come, it's been quite the journey so far...hit some pretty good bumps, but with you right next to me, even the dark times seem full of sunlight and joy. No matter where we are in life, where we live, where we work, I know that my soul has found its perfect match, and we can conquer any situation. I am so thankful for every day I spend with you. So grateful that God has so carefully placed you in my life. So proud of you and to be your partner. So ecstatic for our future, but so content with our present.

You are my love, my everything and every beautifully written song can almost capture how strongly I feel about you.

Happy birthday Derik Marshall, thank you for being the most amazing person I know, my number one fan, and my wonderwall. I love you with everything I have!

XOXO

Faithfully Loving the Journey

Two months....two months have flown by so quickly. Two months ago I was abruptly set in a brand new direction. I was so scared, and in moments I still am, but I have found this new sense of security and truthfully think it will all be okay and work out. Two months ago I thought that maybe I would have landed somewhere by now...but the timing is everything and it's not the right timing just yet.

I've applied for 19 jobs to date, had a phone screen, an interview and heard back from a handful that the positions have been filled internally. I've written so many cover letters and searched through hundreds of job listings that they all sort of blur together. It's funny though...you would think writing cover letters would give you some confidence, but I found it in my phone interview on Monday. When something shatters you, it's almost like your experience goes with it for a little bit. When I started talking about what I knew and what I am actually good at, I felt this really neat feeling...that I had a whole lot to bring to this world and that someone would see that and really, really appreciate and value it one day!

The same can be so true for love I think. Many of you know about my last couple years. My heart longed for that right person to grab my heart, and love it back the way that I love everything in the world. It took some time, but I've been completely encapsulated by a love that I didn't know possible. To feel cherished, to feel valued, appreciated and confident that this person feels just as strongly in love with you as you do with them. I get weepy writing it, because I feel so blessed and often undeserving. These two months would have been a lot harder without this kind of unfailing love. He's been through this journey with me every step of the way.

It's hard not to sit in those moments of pity and say why do we have to go through this. Derik and I sat and talked a lot about it...I'm done with these crazy situations that we have to find our way through, I am ready for normal...then today I got possibly the best daily advice in my devotional:

"Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that masks your need for Me. When you become a Christian, I infused My very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by on Me.

Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities; situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you-- the best place to encounter Me in My glory...."

I get it...adversity isn't fair, not something we plan for. God has blessed me with a gift of making light of situations and finding redeeming qualities in everyone (next week in the blog), but when a situation hits...one that I can't even fully understand or make light of...it's time for me to lean hard on Him. That this broken world has somehow broken my heart...He is the one that can rebuild it. The one that can take me through this journey of self-exploration and make it okay not to understand, but to faithfully move on to the next adventure he has placed in my life.

Reason to Feel

Last week my dear friend asked me, if you could go back and somehow change the outcome so that you wouldn't be let go, would you?

I thought about it for a brief second and confidently replied, nope...

And I meant it and I still do.

I remember just cruising through days, the days that are just routine, that maybe not too much happens, kind of just going through the motions...we all have em'.  Just a day....one of those comments like..."well no complaints here".

The days that something happens, good or bad, those are the days that we feel, the days we remember. Now trust me when I say, I don't crave these days all the time, but these are the days that change us, alter our views and help give us direction...even if we don't realize it at the time.

I love to feel. I love to cry. I love to allow my heart to completely guide my emotions and act exactly how I feel I need to in a given moment. Derik always teases me when I watch those sappy videos that are on facebook that someone sweet/evil posted...cuz man they get me every time...but I know the outcome and I still click on it. Then there I am laying in bed with tears rolling down my face because of a touching video with babies, animals, or the sweetest acts of kindness.

The day that has made me feel, well for the last month and a half I guess... I was sitting in the meeting, trying to quickly process the fact that I was no longer going to be employed, but in transition...the words that rang in my head...Natalie, you have been so resilient, so good, you will be just fine...

That moment, I didn't know exactly how to feel, but a million different things.

Yes, that is true, but it wasn't until now that I think I've had to be resilient. I didn't want to have to be resilient. That would mean it would be really hard....actually not hard...I enjoy a challenge...it would be painful, that I would hurt, that I would have to dig deep...I'm used to being pretty successful, not losing, not feeling out of control.

Then to be resilient you maybe come out stronger, better, come out unscathed, well maybe not unscathed. But in those moments, and the many days to come I didn't feel prepared to feel all of that.

To be prepared for something would mean that I was in control though. I woke up and realized that if we expected things, it we wouldn't feel the same way, nor would we get the experience that comes along with it. Just like if someone accidently ruins a surprise party...the reaction isn't going to be the same as if they had no idea it was coming in the first place.  

So nope, still wouldn't change it. I'd do it all over again. Every single minute. Why, because it got me right here to this moment...this moment where I've had the opportunity to feel like I too can be resilient even if I didn't want to be...it's brought me- Self-growth, Self-development, Self-discovery.

I am happy to say I am proud of myself. I've come a long way in a month and a half and I've learned more about life than any job could teach me.

So thank you BGC...not for firing me...but, thank you for the opportunity to learn about life and about myself.

Most of all, the path that I was on brought me so much joy, so many beautiful relationships (the love of my life & lots of besties), working with pure passion, having a job that always didn't feel like a job, but most importantly it brought me so much confidence...confidence that not even being let go can take away from me permanently.

Maybe a good name for this all is resilience after all, but at the end of the day all I really know what to do, at the core of who I am, is to create my own sunshine!

Find my direction magnetically

There have been many songs that have helped me through this last month, many songs that have aligned with my thoughts, but this one I think so far is the best...it's the feeling of the music, the hope in the words and sunshine in the guitar strings- have a listen, but first let me paint you a picture of my last couple days.

The last six days were in my happy place, a place I've been vacationing for over 25 years, Sunriver, Oregon, easily the most nostalgic place in existence to me.  Such happy memories flooded my mind as we played and as introduced Derik to my favorite vacation spot. We spent the days with my amazing family biking, swimming, floating the river, fishing, and just sitting on our deck, watching and listening as the whispering willows danced in the breeze and the Sun set over Mt. Bachelor. It was divine and exactly what I needed!

One of my favorite moments from my vacation, it was early evening, the sun rays were still warm, shining bright and embracing. Derik and I were headed to our "lucky" fishing hole (well lucky for him), riding our bikes on our 3 miles trek to our spot. Our ride inflicted a warm breeze that twirled my hair that was pinned back in a bandana, as we listened to this song...this song I'd heard just a couple days for the first time...but this time it swallowed my heart fully, and put such a content and rejuvenating smile on my face. It fit my present moment more than any song I'd heard in a long time.

Here is the song- listen if you can: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpmGOhys1wQ

If not here are the lyrics so you can get the idea:

"Rise"
Eddie Vedder
"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow?
Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold...

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold
Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole "

 

 

 

There's something I continue to come back to...sunshine, rise up, creating your own sunshine....

 

As we drove home I was laying back and watching clouds slowly drift through the sunroof and was thinking how fast that vacation went...actually how fast life goes...In that moment I thought, I want my life to be nostalgic...all of it. I want to spend more time in the sunny moments and less time in the stressful, heavy hearted, sad moments.

 

Yes, there will always be something to bring us down...something to hurt us, make us sad, even angry...but what else?? The what else is what I'm banking on! Look around...where are your sunny moments, who are they with, what are you doing?

TIME TO DO THAT MORE!

 

XOXO thanks for reading, I have to say this is fun, therapeutic and extremely enjoyable for me. I do  hope you find some entertainment value :)

Here goes nothin'

I thought I was supposed to be fighting, fighting for happiness, fighting for what my future brings, fighting to not hurt anymore...I even belted that song out in the car the other day "This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove that I'm alright song, My power's turned on"...

But the thing I realized at 2am, waking up from yet another bad dream this morning...who am I fighting? Everyone else is trying to move on and make changes. I am fighting letting go. And I am fighting myself. I've been fighting allowing myself to take the next step. It's time to stop fighting altogether and just simply move on. 

I realized I have been putting myself through a little bit of Hell and today it stops. I hope this works and it sticks. I may try to lean back in and question...but I am the only one that can stop this cycle.

Sometimes you don't get closure, or maybe you don't get closure yet. This most recent situation actually brought me closure on my last painful life change. So now, without closure on my job with BGC I am choosing to move on. Maybe one day I will understand a little more, or maybe my future is waiting for me to be okay with not having closure and just embracing the amazing things that are in store!

Today I am choosing to stop questioning, quit looking for answers (that aren't there), stop searching for things I may have missed, or what more I could have done, who didn't call me and apologize, or even how could this happen to me...

TODAY I close the door to the past (and every last painful question, memory, thought), open the door to the future (here goes nothin'), take a deep breath and step through and start a new chapter in my life (this is where the excitement and joy is just beginning).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

1...2...3...

I just let go!