A Road I've Never Been Down Before

Yesterday I left the house on foot, with no plan, no plan except to take a picture of the beautiful, sunny day! There aren't many times I've done this in my 31 years. Maybe in the car, when I've just driven around to waste time, or to see a neighborhood I hadn't before. I of course have my little walking/running routes around Manette that I frequent, but it was funny I didn't really want to stick to any of those.

As I walked towards the water I got to see the US Stennis coming into Bremerton, I ran down a new road to get a better look, and picture of course. I was on a street I hadn't been down before, so then I went down that road further and found an amazing view. I continued walking down this new direction.

As I walked I had this thought...

How is it that in some moments its actually easy, peaceful, settling and fun to not know the exact path you are going, not knowing your ending, exactly what you will see and what you will do. I had the control of choosing what road or path I might take when I came to a turn or the end of one road, but who knew where it would lead.

But in our lives we can't rest in the unknown.

The last five months I've been off I had a really hard time enjoying every bit of my journey, because I didn't have an end point. I didn't know when it would get better...

Don't get me wrong in these five months I was able to do some things I would have never been able to do if I was working. I spent quality time with people I love so dearly, got to volunteer, make a home cooked dinner almost every night, be there for friends when they needed someone, be a reliable errand runner and chauffer for family, workout almost every day when I wanted, and spend some time alone, and I learned to love and appreciate it.

My unemployed journey is coming to an end!!!!  Holy cow if I had known that on November 5th, that I would accept a job that I wanted...September and October may have been a lot easier. But, if we know something, then we don't have to practice faith, hope, trust, and discipline.

It's hard to fully put my emotions into words when I received that call. I was so excited, I was relieved, I was proud, I was just in shock and as soon I talked to Derik I cried...tears wouldn't stop.

 I am ecstatic for this next journey! I start with Kitsap County on November 30 as the Education and Outreach Technician for the Community Development Department. I am also a little scared. I'm the new kid on the block again. I don't know anything about Community Development. But what I've learned in the last five months I think has prepped me for it just fine...I've learned-

Have patience- something will work out, but it's not going to always be in your time frame.

Know that there are worse things in life than losing a job etc.- I received constant reminders that I was never in a desperate situation. I had my health, a roof over my head and amazing people around  supporting me every step of the way.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket- I thought getting a job would be a cure all. It was a weight lifted off, but life is still going to happen. Appreciate the successes and ramp up for life to continue giving you challenges, but oh so much beauty in between.

You CAN control your attitude- Don't lie to yourself, and allow yourself to be what you need to be in grieving moments, but every  day you can wake up and dictate your day. Put on that armor and pick yourself up. Despite rough patches, make sure you remind yourself of the positives you have in your life and focus energy towards that.

Change is truly the only constant thing in the world- be ready for it and go with it. Beautiful things come from those things we cannot predict.

Sometimes the things you are most afraid to do can bring you a great amount of peace. It's okay to fear things...but do it any way.

Take a path that you don't know the end to, it's called life folks. It's gonna be okay...in fact it's gonna be better than okay, it's gonna be pretty darn amazing.

More Sun on the Horizon

Not really sure why I have been writing less...gradually I am having less and less to process maybe?

Still every now and then a conversation will spur a memory, a thought will magically appear. It still causes pain. I think over and over I get these mini reminders that I cannot fully wrap my head around it...it just doesn't fully make sense. There aren't any new thoughts though and that's when I realized that I have to get a thought and let it go. There is NO more to solve. It's over!

I was afraid all of my pride & confidence was gone there for a while, then a couple job interviews and potential opportunities later, it had managed to find it's way back to me (and that's not without constant reminders from my loved ones).  I've been a little picky, I just want it to be right. I do think the right job is out there waiting for me...it's that fun in between time, where I sit wondering has it been within the 40+ jobs I've already applied for, or is it one I haven't even seen yet.

Some days I obsess...what am I supposed to do, who will I be, am I good enough, WHERE will it be? Then in those moments where I can let go of the control again (notice how many times this little, powerful word has come up in the blog?!? LOL) and sit back and just get excited...and think that whatever it is, it's just around the corner.

Enjoy this time- that little voice says (oh wait that was Derik, who doesn't fully understand why I am incapable of sitting and watching TV all day). Every day I am trying to enjoy this time. Every day I am trying to do something I wouldn't normally do (given that I was working full-time). Make the most of this--do it for you!

Every day brings little miracles, reminders that all is okay because it could be so much worse. I've become a more humble, more balanced, more grateful, more compassionate and more forgiving. I'm still as optimistic as ever, this situation has just made me rely heavily of my positivity and search every day for my own sunshine!

RQs

I was thinking today about what my strengths and gifts are...and let me tell you there are  a lot hahah just kidding. The one that I think really makes me the most successful in life and with people is my golden tinted glasses that I see this world and the people in it through. I can thank my mom for the example and then God for the gift :)

When I meet and work with people, regardless if I am friends with them or that I really don't care to be, I can find or have already noticed something admirable about them. We started calling these RQs this spring thanks to a dear friend...Redeemable Qualities!

I've found that it's much easier to name a redeemable quality than it is to judge someone. Every now and then someone will say something negative about someone-even if I don't like them- I will catch myself saying something like "but they are...." or "at least they do..." I dunno, maybe in some cases it's making excuses for people that are evil, but I look at it as I am choosing to see them in their best possible light.

Now don't get me wrong, there is always that saying that your greatest strength can also be looked at as your biggest weakness...yea maybe. Maybe it's caused me a little pain when a real rotten apple continues to hurt me, even though they have some hidden RQs, but I really wouldn't change it. I think people can tell when you truly appreciate them and what they bring to this world...especially when you can acknowledge it. I actually kind of love it, when I can tell I've made someone's day a little better...it's simple.

Now if you think of people in your life, whether close or not, can you really not think about something you like, appreciate or even adore about them, what they do or how they treat people?

Try it...it works and I promise it helps with positivity, optimism and even a little happiness.

My Ode to you my love, on your birthday

I fell in love with you through music, the words and feelings we didn't yet know how to express were so eloquently captured and poured into our ears and hearts. This I think sums it up for me, you played me Jack Johnson Angel and these lyrics will forever be in my heart- and in that moment I knew that you understood me.

"Your so busy changing the world
Just one smile you can change all of mine
We share the same soul"

Today, I so happy how far you and I have come, it's been quite the journey so far...hit some pretty good bumps, but with you right next to me, even the dark times seem full of sunlight and joy. No matter where we are in life, where we live, where we work, I know that my soul has found its perfect match, and we can conquer any situation. I am so thankful for every day I spend with you. So grateful that God has so carefully placed you in my life. So proud of you and to be your partner. So ecstatic for our future, but so content with our present.

You are my love, my everything and every beautifully written song can almost capture how strongly I feel about you.

Happy birthday Derik Marshall, thank you for being the most amazing person I know, my number one fan, and my wonderwall. I love you with everything I have!

XOXO

Faithfully Loving the Journey

Two months....two months have flown by so quickly. Two months ago I was abruptly set in a brand new direction. I was so scared, and in moments I still am, but I have found this new sense of security and truthfully think it will all be okay and work out. Two months ago I thought that maybe I would have landed somewhere by now...but the timing is everything and it's not the right timing just yet.

I've applied for 19 jobs to date, had a phone screen, an interview and heard back from a handful that the positions have been filled internally. I've written so many cover letters and searched through hundreds of job listings that they all sort of blur together. It's funny though...you would think writing cover letters would give you some confidence, but I found it in my phone interview on Monday. When something shatters you, it's almost like your experience goes with it for a little bit. When I started talking about what I knew and what I am actually good at, I felt this really neat feeling...that I had a whole lot to bring to this world and that someone would see that and really, really appreciate and value it one day!

The same can be so true for love I think. Many of you know about my last couple years. My heart longed for that right person to grab my heart, and love it back the way that I love everything in the world. It took some time, but I've been completely encapsulated by a love that I didn't know possible. To feel cherished, to feel valued, appreciated and confident that this person feels just as strongly in love with you as you do with them. I get weepy writing it, because I feel so blessed and often undeserving. These two months would have been a lot harder without this kind of unfailing love. He's been through this journey with me every step of the way.

It's hard not to sit in those moments of pity and say why do we have to go through this. Derik and I sat and talked a lot about it...I'm done with these crazy situations that we have to find our way through, I am ready for normal...then today I got possibly the best daily advice in my devotional:

"Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that masks your need for Me. When you become a Christian, I infused My very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by on Me.

Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities; situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you-- the best place to encounter Me in My glory...."

I get it...adversity isn't fair, not something we plan for. God has blessed me with a gift of making light of situations and finding redeeming qualities in everyone (next week in the blog), but when a situation hits...one that I can't even fully understand or make light of...it's time for me to lean hard on Him. That this broken world has somehow broken my heart...He is the one that can rebuild it. The one that can take me through this journey of self-exploration and make it okay not to understand, but to faithfully move on to the next adventure he has placed in my life.

Reason to Feel

Last week my dear friend asked me, if you could go back and somehow change the outcome so that you wouldn't be let go, would you?

I thought about it for a brief second and confidently replied, nope...

And I meant it and I still do.

I remember just cruising through days, the days that are just routine, that maybe not too much happens, kind of just going through the motions...we all have em'.  Just a day....one of those comments like..."well no complaints here".

The days that something happens, good or bad, those are the days that we feel, the days we remember. Now trust me when I say, I don't crave these days all the time, but these are the days that change us, alter our views and help give us direction...even if we don't realize it at the time.

I love to feel. I love to cry. I love to allow my heart to completely guide my emotions and act exactly how I feel I need to in a given moment. Derik always teases me when I watch those sappy videos that are on facebook that someone sweet/evil posted...cuz man they get me every time...but I know the outcome and I still click on it. Then there I am laying in bed with tears rolling down my face because of a touching video with babies, animals, or the sweetest acts of kindness.

The day that has made me feel, well for the last month and a half I guess... I was sitting in the meeting, trying to quickly process the fact that I was no longer going to be employed, but in transition...the words that rang in my head...Natalie, you have been so resilient, so good, you will be just fine...

That moment, I didn't know exactly how to feel, but a million different things.

Yes, that is true, but it wasn't until now that I think I've had to be resilient. I didn't want to have to be resilient. That would mean it would be really hard....actually not hard...I enjoy a challenge...it would be painful, that I would hurt, that I would have to dig deep...I'm used to being pretty successful, not losing, not feeling out of control.

Then to be resilient you maybe come out stronger, better, come out unscathed, well maybe not unscathed. But in those moments, and the many days to come I didn't feel prepared to feel all of that.

To be prepared for something would mean that I was in control though. I woke up and realized that if we expected things, it we wouldn't feel the same way, nor would we get the experience that comes along with it. Just like if someone accidently ruins a surprise party...the reaction isn't going to be the same as if they had no idea it was coming in the first place.  

So nope, still wouldn't change it. I'd do it all over again. Every single minute. Why, because it got me right here to this moment...this moment where I've had the opportunity to feel like I too can be resilient even if I didn't want to be...it's brought me- Self-growth, Self-development, Self-discovery.

I am happy to say I am proud of myself. I've come a long way in a month and a half and I've learned more about life than any job could teach me.

So thank you BGC...not for firing me...but, thank you for the opportunity to learn about life and about myself.

Most of all, the path that I was on brought me so much joy, so many beautiful relationships (the love of my life & lots of besties), working with pure passion, having a job that always didn't feel like a job, but most importantly it brought me so much confidence...confidence that not even being let go can take away from me permanently.

Maybe a good name for this all is resilience after all, but at the end of the day all I really know what to do, at the core of who I am, is to create my own sunshine!

Find my direction magnetically

There have been many songs that have helped me through this last month, many songs that have aligned with my thoughts, but this one I think so far is the best...it's the feeling of the music, the hope in the words and sunshine in the guitar strings- have a listen, but first let me paint you a picture of my last couple days.

The last six days were in my happy place, a place I've been vacationing for over 25 years, Sunriver, Oregon, easily the most nostalgic place in existence to me.  Such happy memories flooded my mind as we played and as introduced Derik to my favorite vacation spot. We spent the days with my amazing family biking, swimming, floating the river, fishing, and just sitting on our deck, watching and listening as the whispering willows danced in the breeze and the Sun set over Mt. Bachelor. It was divine and exactly what I needed!

One of my favorite moments from my vacation, it was early evening, the sun rays were still warm, shining bright and embracing. Derik and I were headed to our "lucky" fishing hole (well lucky for him), riding our bikes on our 3 miles trek to our spot. Our ride inflicted a warm breeze that twirled my hair that was pinned back in a bandana, as we listened to this song...this song I'd heard just a couple days for the first time...but this time it swallowed my heart fully, and put such a content and rejuvenating smile on my face. It fit my present moment more than any song I'd heard in a long time.

Here is the song- listen if you can: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpmGOhys1wQ

If not here are the lyrics so you can get the idea:

"Rise"
Eddie Vedder
"Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow?
Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold...

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold
Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole "

 

 

 

There's something I continue to come back to...sunshine, rise up, creating your own sunshine....

 

As we drove home I was laying back and watching clouds slowly drift through the sunroof and was thinking how fast that vacation went...actually how fast life goes...In that moment I thought, I want my life to be nostalgic...all of it. I want to spend more time in the sunny moments and less time in the stressful, heavy hearted, sad moments.

 

Yes, there will always be something to bring us down...something to hurt us, make us sad, even angry...but what else?? The what else is what I'm banking on! Look around...where are your sunny moments, who are they with, what are you doing?

TIME TO DO THAT MORE!

 

XOXO thanks for reading, I have to say this is fun, therapeutic and extremely enjoyable for me. I do  hope you find some entertainment value :)

Here goes nothin'

I thought I was supposed to be fighting, fighting for happiness, fighting for what my future brings, fighting to not hurt anymore...I even belted that song out in the car the other day "This is my fight song, take back my life song, prove that I'm alright song, My power's turned on"...

But the thing I realized at 2am, waking up from yet another bad dream this morning...who am I fighting? Everyone else is trying to move on and make changes. I am fighting letting go. And I am fighting myself. I've been fighting allowing myself to take the next step. It's time to stop fighting altogether and just simply move on. 

I realized I have been putting myself through a little bit of Hell and today it stops. I hope this works and it sticks. I may try to lean back in and question...but I am the only one that can stop this cycle.

Sometimes you don't get closure, or maybe you don't get closure yet. This most recent situation actually brought me closure on my last painful life change. So now, without closure on my job with BGC I am choosing to move on. Maybe one day I will understand a little more, or maybe my future is waiting for me to be okay with not having closure and just embracing the amazing things that are in store!

Today I am choosing to stop questioning, quit looking for answers (that aren't there), stop searching for things I may have missed, or what more I could have done, who didn't call me and apologize, or even how could this happen to me...

TODAY I close the door to the past (and every last painful question, memory, thought), open the door to the future (here goes nothin'), take a deep breath and step through and start a new chapter in my life (this is where the excitement and joy is just beginning).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

1...2...3...

I just let go!

Confidence, Determination, Strength, Faith

I was browsing all of the job sites yesterday... some jobs look interesting... some look terrible, then I ran into this one and it was like the job that I could have hand written and said that, that is what I want to be doing. It took all of my favorite elements from my past two positions and mashed them together. It was late so I agreed that I would finish it and submit in the am, but I couldn't stop thinking about how cool it might be.

This morning I was looking it over again at the gym while I was stretching and I saw something I clearly missed the day before...15 years of exec experience right under the 8 years of management experience. I've been working for going on 9 years and managing for about 8...but 15..CRAP, crap, crap in a handbag! I laughed it off and continued my workout.

In that time I realized something had happened. I let a minor oversight take my confidence. All the sudden I wasn't good enough for anything. Although...I wasn't the one who realized it. Derik picked up on it right away though (thank God). Through my tearful explanation he realized that my confidence was shot. Enter pep talk and a little tough love....thank you baby!

This pep talk inspired me to write my focus of the day >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Confidence, Determination, Strength, Faith...I can do this!

What if I still applied...what's the worst that could happen? Oh yea I don't get called...that's not too bad at all. However, what if they did..what if I got an interview...I know how to work with people, and I actually enjoy interviewing, what if they wanted to take a chance?

Cover letter time...time to kill it!!

I know how to do this. I played sports, I know that confidence in yourself is over half of the battle. I remember thinking and even telling my dad I can't do it...I can't play basketball, these girls are bigger than me, they are just going to stuff me...one of my favorite lessons I learned from dad was visualization. You can literally picture your success. You can think out scenarios and how you will succeed in these times using your strengths.  I thought that it only applied to sports, but today I realized that it's so much more.

I am confident, I am determined, I am strong, I am faithful! I can visualize what my success looks like, I just need to set my mind to it & be my #1 fan!

Go on your way lightheartedly

It's funny (maybe not funny haha...like ironic funny), when you feel like the World around you is shattering, shaking, unstable ground, and that path that you were skipping along...it looks more like a cliff with a sketchy ass bridge you have to cross...that's when you end up learning the most...the most about you, about life and about picking yourself back up.

I'm sure trying. I have faith, I have hope (lots) and I have the mentality that I can do great in this World, and I will. Some moments you just have to dig deep.

We just went on vacation, and boy did I relax...I played, laughed, I wake boarded better than ever before. Vacations are awesome, you get to leave your daily routine, all your chores, your stressors, and do really fun things with people you love.

Problem is...that stuff,  it's still there when you get back. Although this time it was so different for me. I'd never gone on a vacation and not had a job waiting to go back to. I was driving back early Sunday morning and it all the sudden hit me...

You know when something awful happens and you just temporarily block it out, or you know that you've thought it to death, time for a mental break. It was like finding out all over again.

It hurt. I was really mad and almost in shock all over again... how could they do this to me? I'm a good person...I don't deserve this...

I felt tears running down my cheeks.

It only lasted 10 minutes...it's getting shorter and further in between, my moments of grieving that is.

The thing that brought me back- how far God has brought me in just two short weeks. I am more than surviving...I actually think I might be thriving. My inner voice {Time to go on your way lightheartedly}- because I've set myself up for this...with His help entirely.

I've been granted this rare opportunity to spend a couple weeks finding that inner peace, asking myself what I want to be doing. I get to relearn who I am and spend time setting new boundaries for my life...I get to reset!

Every day it seems a little easier, different bright spots to focus on. And you better believe it, I am getting over that sketchy ass bridge one way or another! I am just trying really hard not to skip over this opportunity to learn about myself...myself when I hurt and then really feel it as I get back up.

More Than Enough!

This week has been a little tougher than I think I'd like to admit. Monday I fought it and had the lovely company of my mom and then yesterday I found that ball in my throat, that one you can't swallow...you just wait until the right moment hits and somehow you release things you've stored up for a bit.

All morning long I went through the motions, going through my new routines I've started building (well kinda) and thinking I felt just a tad off. I knew I didn't want to be by myself, so luckily I had made plans to visit my college roomie and her sweet little ones. I drove out to Gig Harbor and was listening to a mixed CD I had made a couple years ago...then the tears began. The second you realize whatever it is the lyrics are saying...that, that right there is what I am feeling. I felt like they may never stop.

The hurt, the heartache, the anger, that feeling like my purpose was stolen...all of it came rushing back. I was mad...I thought I had already gotten through this phase. Like I was wise and so optimistic that I had changed the direction of my thoughts. Sadly, I found  myself still grieving, wondering how long this mood would last.

Then I walked into Vinnie's house to be greeted by a comforting embrace and two little ones ready to play. SNAP there went the mood. I still felt weepy, but for a different reason. I am loved, there is no doubt about it. It was time to remember that there is always a purpose in life. Every second we can choose to do something to make it better, make someone's day better and I wasn't going to let another second go by.

I spent the afternoon jumping on the bed, tickling little Nat and Miles and letting their sweet belly laughs warm my soul. We ran through the sprinkler, ate and amazing lunch Vinnie made, took naps and drank iced tea.



Things work out if you let them. There is a time to process things, but then if you allow, God puts people in your lives that know exactly what you need in those rough moments. I needed to just be a kid. I needed to know that they were so happy I was there. That I was enough, that I am enough.



I've been reading quotes and verses a lot the last couple weeks and this one resonated more than all of them this week:

I am Enough
I am full of sparkle & compassion.
I genuinely want to make the World a better place.
I love hard. I practice kindness.
I am not afraid of the truth.
I am loyal, adventurous, supportive & surprising,
I am a woman. I am enough.
I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them.
Sometimes I make a lot of mistakes.
-Molly Mahar

As I sit here today on July 1st...I can look back and smile. I know my journey is just getting started. I've found out a lot about myself in the last couple weeks. I've found a new love and desire to be by myself, allow myself to reflect and allow God to work in me. I cherish and long for my companionship with my babe, family and friends, but this is a big step for me. To be okay by myself. Because if I can't be enough for myself, I can't be enough...but I know I am!

I promise, it's temporary

Yesterday I ran from my house, over the Manette Bridge, went on and ran over the Warren Ave Bridge, looped back and I made it home (Bridge to Bridge). Did I run the whole 4 miles...I'll never tell ;) Actually I didn't, these hills are nuts. I set the goal when I left to try to run the whole way & didn't- does that mean I failed at something else?

Is failure really an option? If you believe it is...than yes, I suppose it is. What does failure even look like? One thing I can think of...a workout class...someone guiding you and telling you, do push ups until failure. Until you can't anymore. Until you will actually fall on your face and are physically all out of energy and can't do one more rep.
 
So if we think of failure from that perspective then does that mean that we really cannot fail at life?

There are moments when we feel drained from situations, physically, mentally, emotionally drained. Feels like maybe you can't go on...then you get out of bed. Then you stop crying. Then you might even start laughing...belly laughing. It's a test, a trial, but God forbid we call it a failure...It sure as hell isn't, because I just got another rep, maybe even two in me today!
 
Life is full of things that test us. Test our patience, test physical strength, test our anger, test our confidence, test our faithfulness- why in those moments when we are tested and don't win do we chalk it up as failure? In most cases it's actually easier to see how we can fail, than how we might actually succeed, or even graze right over a success to plan out how your next failure plays out.
 
STOP SIGN! One of the smartest things I've heard, from a very smart and handsome source (my love).

My mind is powerful, as I'm sure all of yours are as well. I can convince it of anything...some things are great, but the problem is when we get on the negative train of thoughts...they are a spiral, they are our nemesis...that's what takes you down, not the situation. That's when you picture a STOP Sign.

I tried it the other day and realized that mine was more of a yield sign...which how serious do we really take yield signs (haha!)? You  have to make a really conscious effort to make those thoughts stop. You can choose to be your biggest fan or worst enemy in these moments. I am lucky and surround myself with people who think I am kick ass...but what happens when you are by yourself? What happens when you wake up in the middle of the night? You have the actual choice...choose to be your biggest fan.
 
It's so easy to tell someone else that it's going to be okay and that it will work out...without doubt or reservation. Why is it so hard to believe for ourselves...because we've experienced what it's like to not be okay. You know what...every time it was temporary though, remember that.

It will be okay, it will be okay, it will be okay, it actually is going to be more than okay and be pretty amazing~

Can't wait to tell you all about it!

Be still and be peaceful

You know when you are planning an amazing hike, the one that you've seen online, the one friends brag about the top is just the most amazing sight...you have your map, your snacks (most important item), your water, and company. You've never done this before, so your goals are right in front of you. You are ambitious, ready, happy, and feel like today is it. You head out optimistic for an adventure, an adventure you have mapped out, an adventure you are sure you know what to expect, one you've been waiting and planning for. It starts out great. The sun is shining, you feel like you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You start hitting small victories...mile one down! Good conversation, connecting to nature...feeling at peace in your stride. You hit mile two and your starting to talk a little less, it starts becoming a little longer. You think wow how did I already drink so much water?? Mile three...snack time. You start to get a second wind that doesn't really last as long as you had hoped.

...then it all goes wrong! You trip on a root and scrape your knee, it shouldn't hurt, but the fatigue makes it sting. You don't have enough water and your all our of snacks. You want to sit in the middle of the trail and cry....but you planned this, you thought this was it, so you push on, but it gets too hard. You can't finish...it gets steeper and hotter and it just doesn't seem possible...time to turn back. Ever think that wasn't the trail...or maybe you were supposed to learn something along the way and not actually get to the summit?!? That sight that you've heard about, seen in pictures and wanted to post on your instagram...well damn. What now?!?

 

Do you tell people you only made it part of the way? Do you tell them that a huge part of you feels completely and utterly defeated? That maybe you never were cut out for it? Maybe you weren't...or maybe there is more to the story that you don't yet know...maybe it's not about what people think or what you feel like you need to tell them. This might just be about you. You've built a safe sanctuary, use it. Trust that you are surrounded by people that won't shame you, won't condemn you, but in all reality just lift you up and cheer you on next time you want an adventure.

All I know is that this probably will happen many times in my lifetime. I didn't actually go on a hike and get lost...I lost my job...lost my way...feel like I temporarily lost my purpose. All I know is that I don't want the control anymore...I want to let go and with help and guidance from God find the way he wants to take me. I know he got me this far and I hope my controlling little heart didn't get me too far off the path. Thankfully He forgives and will forever take me back. No maps, no plans, just be still and be peaceful...that's my plan...please God help me stick to it.

The sunshine is still brighter than ever...there has just been some cloud cover the last couple days and maybe a few scattered showers...but it's coming back powerfully and eternally!

Thank you for another day! xoxoxo