Two months....two months have flown by so quickly. Two months ago I was abruptly set in a brand new direction. I was so scared, and in moments I still am, but I have found this new sense of security and truthfully think it will all be okay and work out. Two months ago I thought that maybe I would have landed somewhere by now...but the timing is everything and it's not the right timing just yet.
I've applied for 19 jobs to date, had a phone screen, an interview and heard back from a handful that the positions have been filled internally. I've written so many cover letters and searched through hundreds of job listings that they all sort of blur together. It's funny though...you would think writing cover letters would give you some confidence, but I found it in my phone interview on Monday. When something shatters you, it's almost like your experience goes with it for a little bit. When I started talking about what I knew and what I am actually good at, I felt this really neat feeling...that I had a whole lot to bring to this world and that someone would see that and really, really appreciate and value it one day!
The same can be so true for love I think. Many of you know about my last couple years. My heart longed for that right person to grab my heart, and love it back the way that I love everything in the world. It took some time, but I've been completely encapsulated by a love that I didn't know possible. To feel cherished, to feel valued, appreciated and confident that this person feels just as strongly in love with you as you do with them. I get weepy writing it, because I feel so blessed and often undeserving. These two months would have been a lot harder without this kind of unfailing love. He's been through this journey with me every step of the way.
It's hard not to sit in those moments of pity and say why do we have to go through this. Derik and I sat and talked a lot about it...I'm done with these crazy situations that we have to find our way through, I am ready for normal...then today I got possibly the best daily advice in my devotional:
"Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that masks your need for Me. When you become a Christian, I infused My very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by on Me.
Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities; situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you-- the best place to encounter Me in My glory...."
I get it...adversity isn't fair, not something we plan for. God has blessed me with a gift of making light of situations and finding redeeming qualities in everyone (next week in the blog), but when a situation hits...one that I can't even fully understand or make light of...it's time for me to lean hard on Him. That this broken world has somehow broken my heart...He is the one that can rebuild it. The one that can take me through this journey of self-exploration and make it okay not to understand, but to faithfully move on to the next adventure he has placed in my life.
Last week my dear friend asked me, if you could go back and somehow change the outcome so that you wouldn't be let go, would you?
I thought about it for a brief second and confidently replied, nope...
And I meant it and I still do.
I remember just cruising through days, the days that are just routine, that maybe not too much happens, kind of just going through the motions...we all have em'. Just a day....one of those comments like..."well no complaints here".
The days that something happens, good or bad, those are the days that we feel, the days we remember. Now trust me when I say, I don't crave these days all the time, but these are the days that change us, alter our views and help give us direction...even if we don't realize it at the time.
I love to feel. I love to cry. I love to allow my heart to completely guide my emotions and act exactly how I feel I need to in a given moment. Derik always teases me when I watch those sappy videos that are on facebook that someone sweet/evil posted...cuz man they get me every time...but I know the outcome and I still click on it. Then there I am laying in bed with tears rolling down my face because of a touching video with babies, animals, or the sweetest acts of kindness.
The day that has made me feel, well for the last month and a half I guess... I was sitting in the meeting, trying to quickly process the fact that I was no longer going to be employed, but in transition...the words that rang in my head...Natalie, you have been so resilient, so good, you will be just fine...
That moment, I didn't know exactly how to feel, but a million different things.
Yes, that is true, but it wasn't until now that I think I've had to be resilient. I didn't want to have to be resilient. That would mean it would be really hard....actually not hard...I enjoy a challenge...it would be painful, that I would hurt, that I would have to dig deep...I'm used to being pretty successful, not losing, not feeling out of control.
Then to be resilient you maybe come out stronger, better, come out unscathed, well maybe not unscathed. But in those moments, and the many days to come I didn't feel prepared to feel all of that.
To be prepared for something would mean that I was in control though. I woke up and realized that if we expected things, it we wouldn't feel the same way, nor would we get the experience that comes along with it. Just like if someone accidently ruins a surprise party...the reaction isn't going to be the same as if they had no idea it was coming in the first place.
So nope, still wouldn't change it. I'd do it all over again. Every single minute. Why, because it got me right here to this moment...this moment where I've had the opportunity to feel like I too can be resilient even if I didn't want to be...it's brought me- Self-growth, Self-development, Self-discovery.
I am happy to say I am proud of myself. I've come a long way in a month and a half and I've learned more about life than any job could teach me.
So thank you BGC...not for firing me...but, thank you for the opportunity to learn about life and about myself.
Most of all, the path that I was on brought me so much joy, so many beautiful relationships (the love of my life & lots of besties), working with pure passion, having a job that always didn't feel like a job, but most importantly it brought me so much confidence...confidence that not even being let go can take away from me permanently.
Maybe a good name for this all is resilience after all, but at the end of the day all I really know what to do, at the core of who I am, is to create my own sunshine!
