I was browsing all of the job sites yesterday... some jobs look interesting... some look terrible, then I ran into this one and it was like the job that I could have hand written and said that, that is what I want to be doing. It took all of my favorite elements from my past two positions and mashed them together. It was late so I agreed that I would finish it and submit in the am, but I couldn't stop thinking about how cool it might be.
This morning I was looking it over again at the gym while I was stretching and I saw something I clearly missed the day before...15 years of exec experience right under the 8 years of management experience. I've been working for going on 9 years and managing for about 8...but 15..CRAP, crap, crap in a handbag! I laughed it off and continued my workout.
In that time I realized something had happened. I let a minor oversight take my confidence. All the sudden I wasn't good enough for anything. Although...I wasn't the one who realized it. Derik picked up on it right away though (thank God). Through my tearful explanation he realized that my confidence was shot. Enter pep talk and a little tough love....thank you baby!
This pep talk inspired me to write my focus of the day >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Confidence, Determination, Strength, Faith...I can do this!
What if I still applied...what's the worst that could happen? Oh yea I don't get called...that's not too bad at all. However, what if they did..what if I got an interview...I know how to work with people, and I actually enjoy interviewing, what if they wanted to take a chance?
Cover letter time...time to kill it!!
I know how to do this. I played sports, I know that confidence in yourself is over half of the battle. I remember thinking and even telling my dad I can't do it...I can't play basketball, these girls are bigger than me, they are just going to stuff me...one of my favorite lessons I learned from dad was visualization. You can literally picture your success. You can think out scenarios and how you will succeed in these times using your strengths. I thought that it only applied to sports, but today I realized that it's so much more.
I am confident, I am determined, I am strong, I am faithful! I can visualize what my success looks like, I just need to set my mind to it & be my #1 fan!
It's funny (maybe not funny haha...like ironic funny), when you feel like the World around you is shattering, shaking, unstable ground, and that path that you were skipping along...it looks more like a cliff with a sketchy ass bridge you have to cross...that's when you end up learning the most...the most about you, about life and about picking yourself back up.
I'm sure trying. I have faith, I have hope (lots) and I have the mentality that I can do great in this World, and I will. Some moments you just have to dig deep.
We just went on vacation, and boy did I relax...I played, laughed, I wake boarded better than ever before. Vacations are awesome, you get to leave your daily routine, all your chores, your stressors, and do really fun things with people you love.
Problem is...that stuff, it's still there when you get back. Although this time it was so different for me. I'd never gone on a vacation and not had a job waiting to go back to. I was driving back early Sunday morning and it all the sudden hit me...
You know when something awful happens and you just temporarily block it out, or you know that you've thought it to death, time for a mental break. It was like finding out all over again.
It hurt. I was really mad and almost in shock all over again... how could they do this to me? I'm a good person...I don't deserve this...
I felt tears running down my cheeks.
It only lasted 10 minutes...it's getting shorter and further in between, my moments of grieving that is.
The thing that brought me back- how far God has brought me in just two short weeks. I am more than surviving...I actually think I might be thriving. My inner voice {Time to go on your way lightheartedly}- because I've set myself up for this...with His help entirely.
I've been granted this rare opportunity to spend a couple weeks finding that inner peace, asking myself what I want to be doing. I get to relearn who I am and spend time setting new boundaries for my life...I get to reset!
Every day it seems a little easier, different bright spots to focus on. And you better believe it, I am getting over that sketchy ass bridge one way or another! I am just trying really hard not to skip over this opportunity to learn about myself...myself when I hurt and then really feel it as I get back up.
This week has been a little tougher than I think I'd like to admit. Monday I fought it and had the lovely company of my mom and then yesterday I found that ball in my throat, that one you can't swallow...you just wait until the right moment hits and somehow you release things you've stored up for a bit.
All morning long I went through the motions, going through my new routines I've started building (well kinda) and thinking I felt just a tad off. I knew I didn't want to be by myself, so luckily I had made plans to visit my college roomie and her sweet little ones. I drove out to Gig Harbor and was listening to a mixed CD I had made a couple years ago...then the tears began. The second you realize whatever it is the lyrics are saying...that, that right there is what I am feeling. I felt like they may never stop.
The hurt, the heartache, the anger, that feeling like my purpose was stolen...all of it came rushing back. I was mad...I thought I had already gotten through this phase. Like I was wise and so optimistic that I had changed the direction of my thoughts. Sadly, I found myself still grieving, wondering how long this mood would last.
Then I walked into Vinnie's house to be greeted by a comforting embrace and two little ones ready to play. SNAP there went the mood. I still felt weepy, but for a different reason. I am loved, there is no doubt about it. It was time to remember that there is always a purpose in life. Every second we can choose to do something to make it better, make someone's day better and I wasn't going to let another second go by.
I spent the afternoon jumping on the bed, tickling little Nat and Miles and letting their sweet belly laughs warm my soul. We ran through the sprinkler, ate and amazing lunch Vinnie made, took naps and drank iced tea.
Things work out if you let them. There is a time to process things, but then if you allow, God puts people in your lives that know exactly what you need in those rough moments. I needed to just be a kid. I needed to know that they were so happy I was there. That I was enough, that I am enough.
I've been reading quotes and verses a lot the last couple weeks and this one resonated more than all of them this week:
I am Enough
I am full of sparkle & compassion.
I genuinely want to make the World a better place.
I love hard. I practice kindness.
I am not afraid of the truth.
I am loyal, adventurous, supportive & surprising,
I am a woman. I am enough.
I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them.
Sometimes I make a lot of mistakes.
-Molly Mahar
As I sit here today on July 1st...I can look back and smile. I know my journey is just getting started. I've found out a lot about myself in the last couple weeks. I've found a new love and desire to be by myself, allow myself to reflect and allow God to work in me. I cherish and long for my companionship with my babe, family and friends, but this is a big step for me. To be okay by myself. Because if I can't be enough for myself, I can't be enough...but I know I am!
Yesterday I ran from my house, over the Manette Bridge, went on and ran over the Warren Ave Bridge, looped back and I made it home (Bridge to Bridge). Did I run the whole 4 miles...I'll never tell ;) Actually I didn't, these hills are nuts. I set the goal when I left to try to run the whole way & didn't- does that mean I failed at something else?
Is failure really an option? If you believe it is...than yes, I suppose it is. What does failure even look like? One thing I can think of...a workout class...someone guiding you and telling you, do push ups until failure. Until you can't anymore. Until you will actually fall on your face and are physically all out of energy and can't do one more rep.
So if we think of failure from that perspective then does that mean that we really cannot fail at life?
There are moments when we feel drained from situations, physically, mentally, emotionally drained. Feels like maybe you can't go on...then you get out of bed. Then you stop crying. Then you might even start laughing...belly laughing. It's a test, a trial, but God forbid we call it a failure...It sure as hell isn't, because I just got another rep, maybe even two in me today!
Life is full of things that test us. Test our patience, test physical strength, test our anger, test our confidence, test our faithfulness- why in those moments when we are tested and don't win do we chalk it up as failure? In most cases it's actually easier to see how we can fail, than how we might actually succeed, or even graze right over a success to plan out how your next failure plays out.
STOP SIGN! One of the smartest things I've heard, from a very smart and handsome source (my love).
My mind is powerful, as I'm sure all of yours are as well. I can convince it of anything...some things are great, but the problem is when we get on the negative train of thoughts...they are a spiral, they are our nemesis...that's what takes you down, not the situation. That's when you picture a STOP Sign.
I tried it the other day and realized that mine was more of a yield sign...which how serious do we really take yield signs (haha!)? You have to make a really conscious effort to make those thoughts stop. You can choose to be your biggest fan or worst enemy in these moments. I am lucky and surround myself with people who think I am kick ass...but what happens when you are by yourself? What happens when you wake up in the middle of the night? You have the actual choice...choose to be your biggest fan.
It's so easy to tell someone else that it's going to be okay and that it will work out...without doubt or reservation. Why is it so hard to believe for ourselves...because we've experienced what it's like to not be okay. You know what...every time it was temporary though, remember that.
It will be okay, it will be okay, it will be okay, it actually is going to be more than okay and be pretty amazing~
Can't wait to tell you all about it!
You know when you are planning an amazing hike, the one that you've seen online, the one friends brag about the top is just the most amazing sight...you have your map, your snacks (most important item), your water, and company. You've never done this before, so your goals are right in front of you. You are ambitious, ready, happy, and feel like today is it. You head out optimistic for an adventure, an adventure you have mapped out, an adventure you are sure you know what to expect, one you've been waiting and planning for. It starts out great. The sun is shining, you feel like you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You start hitting small victories...mile one down! Good conversation, connecting to nature...feeling at peace in your stride. You hit mile two and your starting to talk a little less, it starts becoming a little longer. You think wow how did I already drink so much water?? Mile three...snack time. You start to get a second wind that doesn't really last as long as you had hoped.
...then it all goes wrong! You trip on a root and scrape your knee, it shouldn't hurt, but the fatigue makes it sting. You don't have enough water and your all our of snacks. You want to sit in the middle of the trail and cry....but you planned this, you thought this was it, so you push on, but it gets too hard. You can't finish...it gets steeper and hotter and it just doesn't seem possible...time to turn back. Ever think that wasn't the trail...or maybe you were supposed to learn something along the way and not actually get to the summit?!? That sight that you've heard about, seen in pictures and wanted to post on your instagram...well damn. What now?!?
Do you tell people you only made it part of the way? Do you tell them that a huge part of you feels completely and utterly defeated? That maybe you never were cut out for it? Maybe you weren't...or maybe there is more to the story that you don't yet know...maybe it's not about what people think or what you feel like you need to tell them. This might just be about you. You've built a safe sanctuary, use it. Trust that you are surrounded by people that won't shame you, won't condemn you, but in all reality just lift you up and cheer you on next time you want an adventure.
All I know is that this probably will happen many times in my lifetime. I didn't actually go on a hike and get lost...I lost my job...lost my way...feel like I temporarily lost my purpose. All I know is that I don't want the control anymore...I want to let go and with help and guidance from God find the way he wants to take me. I know he got me this far and I hope my controlling little heart didn't get me too far off the path. Thankfully He forgives and will forever take me back. No maps, no plans, just be still and be peaceful...that's my plan...please God help me stick to it.
The sunshine is still brighter than ever...there has just been some cloud cover the last couple days and maybe a few scattered showers...but it's coming back powerfully and eternally!
Thank you for another day! xoxoxo
In that time I realized something had happened. I let a minor oversight take my confidence. All the sudden I wasn't good enough for anything. Although...I wasn't the one who realized it. Derik picked up on it right away though (thank God). Through my tearful explanation he realized that my confidence was shot. Enter pep talk and a little tough love....thank you baby! 
